It seemed that no matter where I looked, I could either find no information on the condition at all, or terrifying portents of a future with no recovery on the horizon. Some of these people had had the condition for decades. As is standard for conditions on the anxiety spectrum, the forums were populated almost entirely by people who had not yet recovered from DP, but were actively exacerbating the condition by logging on to these sites every day in order to document their feelings. It was only through weeks and months of researching on the internet that, via a process of elimination and documentation, I was able to start to figure out what was happening to me.Īnd yet when I did find the websites that explained what I was experiencing, they were of almost no comfort whatsoever. Maybe I’d suffered a psychotic break? Would I ever be the same? It was terrifying to the point of incapacitation. At one point, with my mind frantically searching for answers for what I was experiencing, I began to seriously question if it was possible that I had actually died on that first night of the panic attack, and that I was now in some sort of purgatorial state. In fact, those few months before I started making my first tentative steps towards recovery were the toughest thing I’ve ever had to go through. To others I looked like I was ok, so surely these weird thoughts were surely a passing phase. When I tried to describe my symptoms to my family members, they were at a loss. Attempting to verbally define what I was feeling (being stuck behind a pane of glass, unsure if I was awake or dreaming) usually resulted in a conversation so outlandish that most people simply didn’t know how to react. Most people experience it briefly at one point or another in their lives, but for some it can become a chronic, terrifying and ongoing affliction. feeling as though you are not in control of your speech or your physical movements.feeling as though you are watching your thoughts, feelings and physical self, from outside of yourself.feeling as though you have become detached from the world.feeling as though you or the people around you are not real,.feeling as though you are in some sort of dream state,.It manifests in various ways but the most common symptoms are: What is depersonalization?ĭepersonalization is an anxiety-triggered feeling of being cut off from reality. I remember lying on my bed and thinking, “What have I done to myself?” As if I had personally brought the condition on or done something to deserve it. All I could do was focus intensely on this absolutely bizarre feeling that simply wouldn’t dissipate. The whole world seemed different, changed. When I began to experience it chronically and consistently, as a result of an intense panic attack (the first I’d ever had), it felt like I’d been shoved headfirst into some sort of alternate reality. Not in books, not in films, not even in my years of having a passing interest in psychology and spiritual practice. When I first experienced depersonalization, ten years ago, I knew nothing about it.
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